


Straight Through My Heart...and I Fall Apart

by Eternalxblossom



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-12 01:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18001496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternalxblossom/pseuds/Eternalxblossom
Summary: "The track is just a loop that runs straight through my heart – over and over and over again." And with that, she looked away, hopelessly attempting to keep her tears in check. But she had to stay strong and do something for herself for a change – it was long overdue.Set post 2x20 (2b season finale, some scenes are changed, along with the dialogue). In progress.





	1. Chapter 1

The morning light crept through the window and onto Karma Ashcroft's sleepy face, causing her to stir and squint her eyes, clearly disturbed by the sudden change in the darkened room. She opened her eyes slowly and her hand immediately clutched her throbbing head on impulse – she had the worst hangover she'd ever experienced in her 16 years of life. The pain was vivid, pulsating and driving her crazy. She looked around and found herself on the floor of Amy's room, her hair a tangled mess and the aftertaste of tequila still on her breath, making her nauseous. She felt like throwing up and she had no recollection as to how she got there.

Her memory was fuzzy at best - last night was a blur, the events overshadowed by massive amounts of alcohol and maybe the subconscious need not to remember. What she did remember was Lauren and Shane throwing a party at the Raudenfeld-Cooper household - now that the school year was almost over. She did remember pouring drink after drink to drown whatever confusion and hurt she still felt after possibly the worst few weeks of her life - after prom, after seeing Felix and Amy, after seeing Liam, after kissing guy number God-only-knows-what - Wade - and still not feeling anything _real._

Her life was a train wreck and it had been since that fateful day in that jail cell and the restless nights that came after it. But she wouldn't admit it. That thought was pushed to the back of her head, like so many others that involved her blonde best friend somehow – the important question now was why on Earth she was lying on the floor of said best friend's room. That question was quickly forgotten when a smirking Shane along with a distracted, oddly shy and hesitant Amy trailing behind him came barging in.

"So, you look like crap." – Shane remarked, chuckling to himself. Amy merely stared at the floor, not meeting her gaze. She found that odd but couldn't focus much on it because of her God-awful headache.

"I feel like crap." – she answered, her voice hoarse and strained. She got up into a more comfortable position and made eye contact with Shane, since Amy was still not looking at her. _What is her deal today?_

"Here." – Shane said, handling her aspirine and a glass of water, which she took gratefully. "Should help with the headache. I should probably go now – let you freshen up."

With that, Shane left the room, but not without Amy giving him a mix of a death glare/horrified look filled with unspoken promises of inflicting pain on him for doing that to her. And not even in a subtle way. _I'll rip Shane a new one later._

"So uh.." – Amy began, clearing her throat awkwardly and fidgeting with the edge of her T-shirt. "How are you?"

"Really, Amy? Look at me." – Karma laughed, but it was hollow and forced. It didn't help much that even her facial muscles seemed to ache.

"Do you remember anything?" – Amy asked, cautiously, after finally gathering the courage to look into her eyes for the first time since she came. Her gaze was met with pure confusion and it hurt. A lot more than she was ready to admit.

"Just that I was at the party last night. And judging by how I'm feeling, I must've drunk a lot." – she answered, honestly.

She suspected, by the look Amy was giving her, that last night was more eventful than she remembered. Which was why she confronted her about it – she wanted to know if she embarrassed herself any further. She knew that alcohol and heartache usually amounts to bad decisions.

"Why, did anything else happen?" – she asked, fearfully, and Amy looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Her mouth opened and closed several times, but no sound came out.

"I uh..I should probably let you get changed now. I'll talk to you later." – she eventually blurted out, before running out the door as if her life depended on it.

She found the blonde's behavior peculiar but didn't think much of it. She briefly wondered when exactly had their friendship become about hiding and lying to protect themselves or each other when it used to be about raw truth and transparency – like when she told Amy her boyfriend jeans were hideous just because she genuinely cared about her look. Or when Amy told her that dying their hair with Kool Aid was a terrible idea. They ended up doing it anyway but still.

She could tell Amy was hiding something from her. Again. But, like all things concerning her lately, she let it slide. It was her standard defense mechanism, after all. Instead, she got up, went to take a shower and focused on cleaning up her act for the day.

Meanwhile, Amy was going into overdrive. This couldn't be happening to her again. It was just like Karma to lift her up just to tear her down again. Last night was a haze for her but, for the torn blonde, it was painfully clear and it tore her apart. She remembered everything – Karma falling into that pool like the klutz she was, her jumping in after her best friend without a shred of hesitation, knowing that Karma was a pretty terrible swimmer sober, but in that intoxicated state, she most likely wouldn't be able to stay afloat.

She remembered Karma thanking her, she remembered the hug and how great it felt to hold her again after everything that's happened between them. In that moment, she felt like she genuinely earned her forgiveness and they could go back to being the way they used to, before faking it in the first place. But fate had other plans because it all went downhill from there.

Because Karma broke the hug, gave her a look she couldn't quite decipher and then kissed her like there was no tomorrow, taking her completely by storm. She didn't want to think of it, any of it. She didn't want to let herself get pulled back in that emotional minefield or question her best friend and her drunken actions when she knew she couldn't be held accountable for them.

But it wasn't a friendly kiss. It wasn't even a peck. It was desperate, forceful and _raw_. It was _real._ Or at least it felt _real_. She tried to pull away, as her eyes opened slightly then widened in shock once she processed what was happening, but Karma just kept leaning into her, holding her in place, like she was just dying to get it out of her system. The why was clearly not on her mind. Clearly.

Because then she pulled away and looked at her like she was sent straight from heaven and, for a split second, she allowed her mind to go there again, she allowed herself to feel, she let herself believe – but that was before she saw Liam Booker's horrified face and Karma nervously smiling at him, confirming her worst fears – that she was hopeless. And that she had been used. Again.

It was all an act. And she was the pawn. To think she would've learned that lesson by now.

It was high time she put an end to all of this nonsense, to this back-and-forth game that kept weighting on her heart. With that thought in mind, Amy decided to swing by Reagan's house in desperate need of advice. She needed a friend who at least had a hunch what she was dealing with and could offer her actually useful advice, unlike Shane did the last time he gave her false hope.

She and Reagan were still on good terms despite having broken up – they both agreed they weren't right for each other and the DJ even had a smoking hot girlfriend now who was able to commit to her in a way Amy never quite could.

When Reagan welcomed her and gave her an all-knowing look, as if she could already sense what got her so turned around, she didn't say anything. She couldn't. Thankfully, the older girl spoke instead.

"It's Karma, isn't it?" – she asked, sympathy and understanding underneath concerned brown eyes.

"I'm starting to have feelings for her again." – Amy answered, her voice betraying her exhaustion at this point. The exhaustion of constantly forcing herself to fight it and failing miserably. Again and again and again. Like a broken record stuck on replay.

"I had a feeling this would happen." – Reagan exhaled heavily, and Amy gave her a perplexed look.

"What do you mean?"

"It's not easy to get over your first love. Even more so when she's constantly there, Amy." – Reagan said, rubbing Amy's back comfortingly, but she only tensed more and looked away, her nails digging into her palms.

"So, what do I do, Reagan? I'm not..I'm not going through this again." – Amy choked out, attempting to sound strong, but she couldn't mask the cracks in her voice. Reagan picked up on it too and it broke her heart to hear it and to see her like that. Karma was just like her Charlotte. Amy needed to move on – for her own good.

"You need some time apart to get over her. And you need to stop believing that she'll change her mind because I know a part of you still does." – Reagan said.

"No, I don't—"

"Yes, you do. Because I thought the same about Charlotte even after two years and, guess what - when I saw her again, I just knew I was wrong. You can't let yourself go down that road, Amy. " – Reagan cut in, and this time the blonde was rendered speechless. She couldn't argue with her. She was right.

"Thank you." – Amy said, after a long pause and some internal pondering, squeezing her hand lightly. She got up to leave, but not before voicing back a quiet. "And I'm sorry. For not being the one for you." and sending a regret-filled look her way.

"It's okay. " – Reagan replied, and then the blonde vanished from her sight.

Amy left Reagan's apartment and the cold morning air sent a chill down her spine. She rubbed her hands together to warm up as she walked away. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears but she was too preoccupied to notice. She was sick and tired of being used and pushed around and allowing her pain to always be the one that mattered less than anyone else's, less than Karma's.

But more than ever, she was angry. She was mad at herself for holding on to her friendship with Karma more than she seemed to, she was mad at herself for not being able to pull away when Karma kissed her even though she knew she should have, she was mad at herself for melting before her touch again after she _swore_ she'd not let herself feel that way again.

She told everyone she was over Karma – the auburn-haired girl herself at the group hang, Shane - who easily saw right through her lie. She repeated the words in her mind too, attempting to convince herself on more than one occasion.

But she wasn't over Karma. Maybe because she never allowed herself to deal with the rejection itself, since she was too busy hiding that terrible secret. She didn't give herself time to heal because, then again, Karma seemed eager to fix her up with anyone so she could move on when she wasn't ready to.

Yet, after all this time, she was still stuck in that same place and it was killing her. She was feeling hopeless and pathetic and it wasn't her. She was done being the pushover and the underdog. She had reached her boiling point and she had to do something about it - as long as she was still strong enough.

Just when she was contemplating that decision, a familiar voice she could recognize out of a thousand different ones called out to her as she was reaching her home, chasing her down the street from the other end.

A little out of breath, a little dazzled, a little broken, painfully conflicted and _still_ breathtakingly beautiful – Karma Ashcroft, in all of her glory. Her best friend, her pain, her drug, her _fight_. The one she was planning to put an end to.

"Amy, wait up. We need to talk."


	2. Chapter 2

After Amy left to see Reagan, Karma decided to stop by her house – or in this case what was left of it – a juice truck in her back yard - to grab a change of clothes. As much as she loved Amy, clearly she couldn't go to school today wearing a donut shirt. She still looked and felt terrible, but that didn't mean she could miss a "vital" day of education at Hester.

School would be over soon and, although it had been a crazy year, she'd miss them all. But she had something that would make up for it - a whole summer with her best friend to look forward to – one they could spend doing things for college together and rebuilding their friendship, the one that had been stretched thin all throughout the year by lies and deceit and betrayal and was still lasting, against all odds.

Still lost in her thoughts, she made her way to the backyard. As soon as she rounded the corner, she was caught off-guard by the image of a grumpy-looking Liam expecting her. He looked pissed.

"Morning, Liam. I'm assuming you're here because of what I said to you last night." – Karma offered, politely, but Liam quickly cut in.

"More like what you did." – he spewed with a disgusted look on his face, crossing his arms, and Karma looked honestly confused – she didn't know what exactly he was referring to. Because she sure as hell did a lot last night – the events were slowly but surely unraveling themselves before her.

She remembered letting the football team take body shots off of her in some sort of temporary mad quest to define herself, she remembered showing off her nipples because it was oddly freeing and because she honestly couldn't care less about the way people saw her, all thanks to the other screwed up thing she did - drinking, lots of drinking, despite Amy trying to take her down and reason with her.

She also remembered snapping at Liam for sleeping with Shane's sister. But it wasn't the act in itself that bothered her – it was the fact that both Amy and Liam seemed to move on while she was stuck in that same horrible place, feeling lonely and forgotten and _still_ conflicted. She didn't even know why she was conflicted anymore. The rest was blank.

"Look, I know I snapped at you but I was _really_ drunk—"

"It's not about that Karma. It's about the kiss." – he yelled, clearly annoyed and frustrated and actually surprised that Karma didn't seem to remember the most important part of last night's list of unfortunate events.

"I kissed you? I'm so sorry, Liam, I don't know what I was thinking—"

"You didn't kiss me, Karma. You kissed Amy."

"What?" – the word escaped her lips, no louder than a hushed whisper, followed by a flashback of last night – the missing piece. It was all coming to her in waves now.

She remembered everything – her arguing with Amy about Felix, her falling in that pool, Amy jumping in after her, Amy being a total sweetheart once again and reassuring her that she didn't need to be someone she wasn't just to make people like her, Amy hugging her and then..

_You're the best friend ever._

Karma had said that. And then she proceeded to do the unthinkable, abandoning all reason. _She_ was the one who had initiated the kiss. _She_ was the one who prolonged it when Amy tried to pull away. And _she_ was the one who came to her senses when the lights turned back on and swam away from there – or rather fled the scene - making it seem like she used Amy again for attention or some twisted personal gain.

And for the life of her – she had no idea why she did it. Any of it. Now she felt incredibly guilty for once again screwing things up when they were so close to being right again.

She _needed_ to see Amy.

"I'm so sorry, Liam, I have to go. I'll see you later." – she blurted out, before running back to Amy's house, hoping she'd run into her. She had to be home now - she had to have returned from wherever she fled to before. Where else could she be? It wasn't even time for school yet.

That's when she saw her best friend's dejected figure on the street and called out to her. She couldn't ponder much upon the reasons why Amy looked so sad, even from afar – it could be her stupid gesture or the blonde's family issues or a blend of both. But apologizing was necessary either way. She had messed everything up. Again.

"Amy, wait up. We need to talk." – she yelled, panting heavily once she reached her. When her best friend turned around and she saw her expression, she was overcome by guilt even more and a growing ache in her chest.

"I think we do too. Karma, there's something you should know-" – Amy attempted to talk but Karma quickly interrupted her. She had to say her part first.

"No, we need to talk about that kiss. " – Karma said, and Amy gave her a tired, somehow still hopeful look. She hated herself for it. But a part of her still dared to hope.

"I'm sorry, Amy. I don't know what I was thinking. You were there for me when I was spinning out and then I go and do the worst thing ever. But we can't let that change anything. We have a whole summer ahead to get back on track, okay?" – Karma apologized, all the while attempting to sound reassuring but not even containing her excitement for the summer and, once again , downplaying the effect her reckless, drunken gesture had on her fragile, still very much lovesick best friend.

She took hold of Amy's hands as she said all of this, not even noticing Amy's expression turn from hopeful to disappointed to heartbroken to fake happy in a matter of seconds.

"I figured that much. " – Amy replied, resignation and heartbreak showing all over her face. "It's cool, Karma. I'll see you at school later." – she added, before walking away, leaving behind a still clueless Karma, but at least one who could tell it _still_ wasn't fine. But she was confident they could get past it.

It was just a silly mistake and she was determined to make it up to Amy. She couldn't read too much into the kiss. She was just lonely and sad and vulnerable and Amy was there. It's all there was to it. Sweeping it under the rug was always the appropriate course of action, if you'd ask Karma, even though she berated Amy not too long ago for doing that too when they were in detention.

When Amy arrived at school later, she noticed Felix on the quad, looking sad and bruised – literally. Saying goodbye to him was hard – especially after learning about his struggle with alcohol and how it got him into a car accident because he got drunk at her house. It made her feel impossibly guilty even though the party wasn't even her idea in the first place. She liked him and she was going to miss him. She had a feeling a lot would change this summer, for all of them.

When she learned about principal Turner wanting to shut down the school and how involved everyone was to stop that from happening – including Karma – she wanted to get involved too but she couldn't stand being around her anymore, not after what she said to her. She later learned that Lauren was the unlikely one to save Hester and that she'd stay in Austin after all this summer, despite Farrah and Bruce getting a divorce.

But she couldn't be happy about any of that. Because she had to go back home and start packing. Because she wouldn't stay for the summer.

She had made her decision. She had called Reagan and asked her if she still needed someone to film that tour, the one they were supposed to go on together before the break-up, and she still did. And Amy - well, she needed to do something for college, the spot was still open and she desperately had to get away from all of it. She needed her closure. Because if she didn't get it now, she'd never move forward.

That's when she found Farrah, casually sipping her coffee on the sofa, but still instantly sensing that something was wrong regardless of her seemingly unaffected visage. There was still some tension between them but maybe she could use some advice from the woman – despite her poor handling of her relationships so far.

At least now she understood where she was coming from. Maybe all of her attempts to be with someone else had failed because she was still in love with her dad. But just like she said to Lauren – they fought all the time, they were like oil and vinegar.

Hank was her first love and he always will be. But the last thing she wanted for herself was to become the spitting image of Farrah. She had to become her own person instead, the one who doesn't allow her first love to waltz back into her life after months and screw everything up again. She had to let go too.

"Honey, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at school?" – Farrah asked, concern slipping into her voice. She turned towards her daughter, giving her full attention, taken aback by how distraught she looked.

"Mom, I want to go away this summer." – she whispered, her low voice cracking without warning. Farrah saw her struggling to fight back tears and she felt downright helpless. She wanted to pull her in for a hug, but decided against it because she still felt guilty about everything. "There's this band going on tour and I want to film it. I want to do something for college and I just..I have to go away for a while. Can I, _please_?"

"What about Karma, sweetie?" – Farrah asked, cautiously, and that's when Amy's body started trembling and she looked away, not able to keep her tears in check anymore.

"I'm doing this _for_ Karma, mom. You were right, when you said that things can be hard with a first love. And you were right about people being able to change. But it's not Karma who needs to, mom, it's me." – Amy said, as she got up and wiped her tears.

Farrah had never been more proud of her daughter than in that moment - for standing up tall and being so strong through it all. She was the one who had so much to learn from her. It was never the other way around. And the realization stung a lot – she should have been a better role model herself.

"Then do this, Amy. But at least say goodbye to her." – Farrah said after a long pause and some pondering, rubbing her daughter's shoulder comfortingly. This time, Amy didn't even flinch. She looked so exhausted. She deserved this.

"I'm not sure I'll be able to. I'll just..go pack some things, okay?" – Amy said and this time Farrah gave her a hug. Amy was too tired to oppose it, despite everything that's happened in their family. Because now she finally understood. Hank was to her mother what Karma was to her. But she had to live in the now. She can't keep hoping for someday.

Meanwhile, Karma was celebrating with the rest of her schoolmates after saving Hester, but she couldn't really enjoy it because Amy wasn't answering any of her texts. She wanted to share the good news with her best friend – she had just contributed to saving their high school just because she didn't want them to be separated and assigned to different schools next year. The idea of being apart from Amy scared her more than anything else. After the fifth text sent, Karma gave up. She decided to drop by Amy's house, hoping she'd be there.

She made her way there as fast as she could, her worries increasing by the minute. It wasn't like Amy not to keep in touch like that. And even after everything that's happened, not talking still made her feel like she was in physical pain. It sounded childish but it was still true.

But nothing could even get close to the crippling pain she experienced when Farrah broke the news.

"Oh, honey, she didn't tell you? Amy's leaving for the summer to film that band going on tour. Their tour bus should be leaving Texas soon."

She felt like all the air instantly left her lungs, like someone ripped her heart out of her chest, let it bleed on the floor before her and then stomped it again for good measure. She had never felt this way – not even when her grandma died. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't speak, as dozens of different thoughts flashed through her head.

_Why would Amy do this? Why wouldn't she even say goodbye to me?_

She barely recalls the rest - her jumping on that ridiculous pink bike from when they were kids because it was the first available option that would buy her some extra time, her frantically looking for that tour bus, and finally parking right before it to stop it from leaving just yet.

But what she'll never forget is Amy's look when she pointed out the obvious, crushing her even more:

"I think you forgot something."


	3. Chapter 3

"I think you forgot something."

And it was in that moment that Amy felt her resolve threatening to break. She hated herself for it, she hated how little it took from her best friend – a glance, a word, a shred of hope – to get her to reconsider, maybe even change her mind, despite being so certain not less than an hour ago. The fact that she chased after her should mean something, it had to mean something, she rationalized.

Her expression was a mix of uncomfortable, nervous and guilty, heartache still barely concealed. But all of that began to crumble the moment Karma opened her mouth, her voice strong and accusatory, but no real insight behind her words. Her assumptions were off – again. She _still_ didn't get it.

"You were going to take off for the entire summer and not say goodbye?" – she demanded, almost incredulously. She knew Amy was impulsive like that, but this action still seemed out of place. It puzzled, angered and saddened her, all at once.

"I was going to call from the road." – she offered, lamely. A weak excuse. But she didn't have the energy, nor the will to come up with something better. She was too tired.

But just like that, the painfully oblivious remarks came one by one, piercing through Amy's heart again and again and again. Karma didn't understand. She _still_ didn't understand.

And that realization broke her – that after all the times she poured her heart out to her, all the times she put her happiness first, all the times only _she_ took the blame for _both_ of their mistakes – Karma didn't understand how strong her grasp on her heart was, how easy it was to break her or put her back together. It was no wonder she did the first, without even realizing it. But that was about to change. Soon.

"You didn't want to tell me you were getting back together with Reagan because you know deep down that's a bad idea." – Karma said, actually fully convinced that was a viable possibility.

Amy could feel her frustration and anger growing stronger with each passing second.

"I'm not back together with Reagan, she's staying here this summer, with her new girlfriend." – she clarified, biting her lip and not even masking the hint of bitterness in her voice when she uttered the word girlfriend. But Reagan was right – she couldn't keep relying on other people to get over Karma. She had to do it herself.

"It's your mom, isn't it? I mean, Bruce is moving out and you didn't want to deal with the drama." – Karma offered again, still so far from the truth it made Amy physically sick – it was the dull ache of resignation she's gotten way too familiar with over the past few months. Of course Karma wouldn't even consider the impact of her reckless, drunken gesture instead.

She shook her head in disbelief, searching Karma's gaze for any sign, however small that she actually understood what was going on, but she still seemed clueless. Painfully and utterly clueless.

"Do you seriously have no clue what this is about? You _kissed_ me."

The truth was finally out, but the weight of it only seemed to come crashing down on the blonde's shoulders. Her voice was growing weaker and she felt herself becoming more and more fragile under that guilty, mildly sympathetic green gaze.

But Karma still downplayed it. Because to her, it seemed to be _just_ a kiss. To Amy, it was the worst and the best thing that happened to her – it was a reminder of what she _could_ have, but what she'll _never_ have.

"I know. I messed up." – she cut in, attempting to apologize, and Amy could tell she was being honest. But it wasn't enough. None of it was enough anymore. "But we can't let that kiss ruin everything. I mean, this is our chance to get back on track."

"I don't want to get back on track. I can't keep getting back on track. The track is just a loop that runs straight through my heart, over and over and over again."

After the heart-wrenching words were uttered, desperately and hopelessly, Amy finally allowed her pent-up frustration and raw hurt to pour out of her, she finally took off the lid that she's been keeping on her true feelings for so long.

She wanted to finally make Karma see what her reality had been since she rejected her on her mother's wedding day, to make her see that she hadn't been whole since that night, despite trying to cover it up and move on, to make her understand that kissing her after all of this wounded her in a way that she couldn't bear anymore – a way she never seemed to comprehend.

And with that, she looked away, hopelessly attempting to keep her tears in check. But she had to stay strong and do something for herself for a change – it was long overdue. A moment of silence ensued and she hoped, yet again. She wondered if Karma would ever understand.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry this year has been so hard for you. But you didn't show up to save Hester and now you're taking off for the whole summer. Why am I the only person fighting for us?"

 _Apparently not._ – Amy remarked, bitterly. Of course she avoided the subject. Of course she pinned Amy's going away on this whole, disastrous year. It wasn't far from the truth, it had all been pilling up into a devastating mix. But Karma's reluctance to recognize the real trigger only further increased Amy's hurt.

Karma's defenses were starting to slip off too, as her voice started trembling, but it was still accusatory, demanding. She was still holding Amy responsible for protecting her heart when she had all the right in the world to, she was still demanding an explanation for Amy's choices when she gave little or no reasoning for her own. She still didn't see that what Amy was doing was for the sake of their friendship. Everything Amy had done was to preserve that friendship, aside from that drunken hook-up with Liam.

Karma had no right to tell her that she wasn't trying to fight for her, for them, for their friendship, when it's been _everything_ she's been trying to do for so _goddamn_ long.

Utterly frustrated, she cut in – "This _is_ fighting for us." – it was raw and powerful and broke out of her, exposing her completely.

"No, this is running away." – Karma countered, this time breaking down herself. Whimpering, she voiced her darkest fear through tear-stricken eyes and shaky words – losing Amy, being away from her, not having her best friend by her side – now, ever. "I mean, we've never spent this much time apart. What if we can't come back from this? What if this is the beginning of the end? We promised each other – roommates in college and houses next door to each other. Best friends forever. Don't you want that anymore?"

Each of the auburn haired girl's words was like salt on Amy's open wounds. She knew she shouldn't, but aside from the vulnerability and desperation in Karma's pleas, reminding her of their once clear childhood plans and dreams for the future - the only two words she could focus on were ** _"best friends."_**

They cut a hole in her like no other this time. Because she had allowed herself to hope. She never stopped carrying that pathetic hope like a slow-burning fire just waiting for a spark, a sign that she wasn't crazy, that Karma started feeling the same way about her too.

"Yeah..I do. But if I don't go, we'll never be able to have that." – Amy whispered, teary-eyed and exhausted, feeling her resolve falter but desperately trying to hold on to her decision.

"Yes we can. This is us." – Karma pleaded yet again, attempting to convince Amy that they could easily go back to who they were and forget that party ever happened, forget about everything that happened between them since the beginning of the school year, move past it.

But not this time, not anymore. It was too hard to be around her now and she still didn't seem to realize just how much harder she was making it now by almost begging her not to go. "Amy, please. What do I have to do to get you to stay?"

And it was then that Amy's heart truly broke – because she knew exactly what it was that she wanted to hear, what would compel her to change her mind, despite fighting so hard not to go down that road anymore. She knew she shouldn't say it. She knew she shouldn't hope – but it was true, all it took was a glance, a word, a sign from Karma and she'd turn around and stay. She had to know – for the last time.

"You can tell me that kiss meant something.." – she asked, a hint of tragic hope slipping into her voice. The moment Karma looked down and avoided her look, she knew. It was her cue to start living in the now and stop hoping for someday.

"I can't." – the torn brunette whispered, after reluctantly lifting her gaze off the ground to lock with Amy's.

Karma couldn't give that to her. She couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear just to get her to stay. It would be selfish, and she was done being selfish. She didn't know why she kissed her. She wasn't thinking clearly. She couldn't tell her it meant something when she didn't know if it meant anything herself.

She just wanted to make sure they'll be okay, that their friendship could survive this break from each other, she wanted to believe that. She couldn't jeopardize that when she needed it more than ever. She was in dire need of stability and Amy was her constant. She always has been. That can't change now. Especially now.

But what she saw staring back at her was no longer that warm, hopeful, encouraging gaze, those swirling shades of blue and green that always saw her the way nobody else ever did, but the picture of a broken girl who had been pushed so far past her limit time and time again that she couldn't take it anymore, one who was strong enough to walk away this time and not look back, one who was finally going to do something for herself and not for the common good of everyone else, for Karma's sake.

One who was finally ready to be her own person. One who was finally ready to let go.

_And now she can't wait for me to fall for someone else, but every time I look at her, my stomach gets these fluttery, I-think-I'm-gonna-barf feelings. And as much as I want them to go away, I kind of don't._

Not anymore.

What she saw was someone who was finally ready to find herself – miles apart from her best friend, her other half, her soul mate. It was then that Karma knew she'd lost the girl she's known her whole life, and that this version of Amy would vanish.

She wondered if Amy's love for her would vanish too, once she left, if their bond would break. She was just about to say something, anything, to beg Amy to stay once more, to still look at her the way she used to, but she saw it in her eyes and in her incredulous head shake – she was done being that girl. This time there was no going back.

"Have a good summer, Karma."

And with each certain step she took back to that tour bus, Karma felt the distance between them growing and Amy finally slipping away – maybe for good this time. She touched Amy's friendship necklace still around her neck and allowed her tears to fall in endless streams.

She made no effort to stop them.


	4. Chapter 4

Two days ago, Karma's entire world crumbled to dust without warning. She didn't expect that to be the grand finale of the hardest year of her life so far but it sadly was and there was nothing she could do about it. She seemed to have lost everything – the illusion of popularity that she temporarily attained, somehow, Liam, the one she thought would be her dream prince charming, the house, Felix – who was more of a brother to her than Zen could ever be, _Amy_..

She didn't even know where to place Amy in her life anymore. Were they friends? What were they? She didn't even know what she felt anymore, if she's even capable of feeling anything these days, aside from numbness and anger. Being defensive has always been her cover and the first impulse she gave in to was sheer resentment. The blonde left her behind and didn't look back for once. It was the truth and it was high time she faced it. _Well, she learned that from her father, didn't she?_

Amy left her, Amy left her best friend behind and preferred to spend the entire summer with strangers instead. She thought she meant more to Amy but apparently she was wrong. Or maybe she just didn't want to think of all the reasons why Amy did what she did because it would hurt too much.

There were so many things she still didn't want to think about - _especially_ the kiss - so she banished them out of her mind each time they threatened to invade her train of thought obsessively again. It was her coping mechanism.

Anger was a hell of a lot easier to deal with than crippling pain. But much like the broken heart necklace around her neck, she _still_ didn't have it in her to even take it off, let alone throw it away, because a part of her heart went away, with Amy. But she was too stubborn and pissed off to admit that - especially that.

The first stage - tears - that one had passed two sleepless nights before. Now she needed a distraction instead, she needed to put some kind of a wall around her, otherwise all she'd do all day was cry. She couldn't. She needed to do something on her own too, to be her own person. If Amy could reinvent herself and leave it all behind then she'd be damned if she wouldn't move on too. And the fact that she still had a dozen of unsent messages to Amy she _still_ didn't have the heart to send was all but irrelevant.

She decided to focus all of her energy on fulfilling her dream of being a lifeguard instead. She didn't expect a fork in the road to come so fast, though, in the form of her nemesis, Shane Harvey, who, through the cruel force of fate once more, was stuck on her back this summer.

All through the first lesson, she did her best to ignore him and not say anything and surprisingly, he didn't seem to be too chatty either, which was entirely out of character. But as much as he liked to meddle in people's lives, even he could tell by her tear-stained face that keeping his mouth shut would be a wiser course of action.

Now, after the end of the second lesson, Karma expected she could enjoy the quiet – alone. As much as she didn't want to be stuck with her own thoughts, she didn't have anyone to talk to, outside of Amy..She never even realized how few non-Amy friends she had.

She knew she had to change that soon, after all, her best friend had no issue leaving her behind, right? Though, socializing was her last priority right now. She'd go to Felix but she knew seeing someone as messed up as her wouldn't do him any good. And he had bigger concerns than her, anyway.

As she sat on the edge of the pool, her feet dangling above and her mind a thousand miles away, she inhaled and exhaled heavily, enjoying the little comfort the morning air could provide, even though her mind was still in a clutter. But that was before someone rudely blocked the sunlight and snapped her out of her daze, rather harshly:

"You know, you're a pretty terrible swimmer. Why do you want to be a lifeguard again?" – Shane asked, using just the right amount of sass to piss Karma off while also attempting to start some kind of conversation with her.

As much as he didn't like her, he could tell something was seriously wrong, and Lauren was withholding valuable information. No one would tell him exactly what happened between Karma and Amy – he had a clue not even Lauren knew the details herself, even though she kept in touch with Amy. They were still sisters, after all, despite their parents' decisions - and they were holding on to that. It looked like they both needed it.

"That's none of your business." – Karma snapped, her head jerking in the opposite direction as a nonverbal hint for Shane to take a hike and leave her the hell alone. Clearly he didn't seem to get it, since he opened his mouth to talk again, much to Karma's exasperation.

"Look, I hate to ask but..I need your help decorating the gym. Lauren's speech really turned things around and Penelope needs some of us to say a few words to make a promotional video of the New Hester or something. They'll have the press there and everything. And you seemed pretty involved last time, so are you in?" – Shane asked, carefully studying Karma's expression going from blank and emotionless to confused and then blank again.

"And why would I help you again?" – she asked, rhetorically, as Shane shook his head incredulously.

"I wouldn't have asked unless I had options. Pretty much everyone's away for the summer and if Amy was here, I'd ask her—"

"But she isn't here, is she?" – Karma snapped, muttering angrily under her breath. Shane blinked a few times, taken aback by Karma's sudden angry outburst but still oblivious to the real reason why she was so mad. He suspected something major happened between them and couldn't help but feel an ounce of sympathy for Karma, even though he thought Amy made the right call by leaving.

"But if she was, she'd want you to get involved. Do it for her if not for me." – Shane said, as he got up to leave, not missing Karma's eyes glistening with tears at the mention of Amy's name, as much as she tried to fight them. "If you change your mind, find me and Lauren at 6 tonight."

Karma didn't know what brand of temporary insanity took over her when she decided to actually help her nemesis. It's not like she had a lot to do lately and any distraction would do. When she dropped by Amy's house to help them gather the supplies and everything, she tried not to think much of Lauren's disapproving gaze and maybe oddly sympathetic as well.

She didn't let herself believe it but Lauren almost seemed to be feeling sorry for her. She hated it. She just wanted to get this stupid thing over with. Why did she agree, again?

_Because Amy would._

"God, I can't believe I'm doing this for Penelope. Only because I blackmailed her and she thinks I owe her. Whoever filmed me and put that up online—" – Lauren complained, as Shane smiled and she smacked him on the arm for appearing too amused by her indignation. "It's not a joke, Harvey. That's not the kind of publicity I need. I'm not the ambassador of this freak show."

"But you did save Hester, Lauren. And look at the bright side – this way you might actually become the second female president of the United States sooner." – Shane replied, and Lauren merely rolled her eyes, both of them completely oblivious to what was happening to Karma once she entered that gym.

The auburn haired girl sat down on the bleachers while the two were unpacking and bickering with each other, her eyes glistening with unshed tears and the memory of the homecoming assembly plaguing her without notice. She didn't want to think of it, any of it, but being in this very room was pure torture for her.

Eventually, Lauren and Shane took notice of her demeanor and shared a look of quiet understanding. Neither were Karma's biggest fans, but even they were taken aback by how small and fragile she looked. They could tell she tried to mask it, but at this point, as good as she was at faking it, she wasn't fooling anybody.

Noticing their gazes, Karma immediately regretted coming. She didn't need them to feel sorry for her. Frankly, she didn't need anyone's sympathy. She didn't need anyone, period. Or at least that's what she's been telling herself.

So she got her head in the game and helped them hang up the decorations as she promised, without saying a word. And when the press got there, she said a few forced words about Hester accepting you, even though she hardly believed anything. They never accepted her – they only accepted the person that they thought she was.

The _only_ one who ever accepted her all along was her best friend - and that realization still stung, now more than ever.

Because despite that, apparently Amy just didn't care enough to stay and work out their issues together. And Karma was completely fine with that. And the fact that she stayed behind in the gym with the lights turned off for a few more minutes after the media, the buzz and the cheer vanished, staring at a single, fateful spot she and Amy occupied what felt like a lifetime ago and the dull ache in her chest clearly didn't mean anything.

She didn't miss Amy, she was coping – one day at a time.

But no matter how many times she tried to repeat these words in her head, it didn't make it true. Because as resentful and as hurt and as stubborn as she was, she had to admit it – she didn't know who she was without Amy Raudenfeld in her life.

It was going to be a long summer.


	5. Chapter 5

The only thought Amy could process, accurately identify and focus on as the tour bus took off and sped away, leaving the state of Texas behind, along with a heartbroken, shattered Karma was that she had had enough – for once, it wasn't the pain or the hurt plaguing her mind and body, it was pure and utter exhaustion.

She was so tired of everything – of walking around in circles, of not being able to take full control of her feelings with the force of willpower only, of allowing Karma to draw her back in every single chance she got, despite trying so hard to keep her distance and be a good friend and not let her feelings for Karma become anyone else's problem or fight but her own.

And she had succeeded, for the most part, until Karma made them _their_ problem. By kissing her she had made their relationship complicated for them both again, she had reignited a spark Amy thought - maybe in her own denial - to be long gone and consequently a shred of hope she thought she'd long since given up on – only to crush it in an instant with two heavy, devastating words.

 _I can't_.

And despite pleading with her, Amy wouldn't have any of it this time – she couldn't ignore what she felt anymore, use other people to bury that or keep pretending that her feelings would go away if she just urged herself to forget and be the girl she was before that fateful homecoming assembly.

She couldn't go back - there was no clear path to before and an even more unclear path forward she was still barely grasping as it is. Sadly, it wasn't that easy – despite everything about them being so easy and clear and attainable in the past. Not anymore.

Part of her knew that Karma wouldn't understand and most likely see it as a punishment on her part and resent her for her decision. But she knew she was doing it for them both, as much as it wrecked her to recall the sound of Karma's voice pleading with her not to go or her tear-stained face.

She's known Karma her whole life and she's never looked so vulnerable and genuinely terrified as then. She hated herself for causing her that hurt, but it was about time she did something for herself for a change. Drunk or not drunk, what Karma did was wrong. So wrong it almost felt right, if only for a fleeting moment.

So, she sat down, watching the moving pictures of the places she knew so well fade away and be replaced by new ones – new memories she was hoping she could make, new beginnings.

Karma's last message – short but filled with more meaning than anyone from the outside could ever comprehend – _"I'm sorry, Amy. I really am. "_ didn't go unnoticed, but she didn't have it in her to reply just yet. It wasn't as if she knew what the right thing to say now was anyway.

"Hey, camera girl, are you okay? That looked pretty intense out there." – a calm, seemingly genuinely worried voice snapped Amy out of her reverie – belonging to none other than the bass player.

A tired Amy jerked her head to the right, facing the punk-rocker.

"It's Amy..and I'm okay." – she replied, forcing a smile she hoped would be convincing. At least she learned one or two things about faking it.

"Man, straight girl crushes are brutal." – another girl chipped in from the back of the tour bus – sporting an equally edgy, punk look - red highlights, a nose ring and the classic leather jacket. "I feel ya, sister."

Utterly astounded by her deductive capabilities, Amy barely let out a quiet "How did you—", before being interrupted again by another person.

"We've all been there, girl. " – another band member added, giggling softly and sending a sympathetic look Amy's way. "Welcome to our world. Anyway, it's kind of rude of us not to introduce ourselves –I'm Alicia." – the brunette clarified, before pointing to the rest of the band members and introducing them as well. Amy found out that the girl with the red highlights was Raven, and the one who gave her the nickname "camera girl" was Kate.

"It's nice to meet you." – Amy said, forcing herself to maintain that convincing smile but still not entirely in the right mood or mindset to chat. She was trying to detach herself from the emotional baggage of Texas and everything surrounding it, but for now the distraction didn't seem to work. Her heart and mind were still stuck there somehow, but she was determined to change it. Soon. She had to if she didn't want to keep going backwards.

Sensing that the blonde wasn't too fond of the subject they've sparked up, Kate, the bass player, decided to try a different tactic to pull Amy out of her funk. She already guessed her type – Amy clearly wasn't a social butterly under normal circumstances and anyone with a pair of eyes could see how broken she was on the inside now, despite trying to cover it up. That conversation was meant for another time.

"So...film, huh?" – Kate said, giving Amy a soft, encouraging half-smile. As tired as Amy was, at the mention of her dream/passion, her eyes lit up instantly. "Is this a hobby of yours or..?"

"I actually want to be a Film major. Making documentaries has always been my dream." – Amy replied, noting how nice it felt to talk about her interests. Come to think of it, she hadn't had time to focus on that for a while – between pretending to be a lesbian, falling in love with her best friend and almost losing her, as well as her family drama, she lost track of that. But it was still her dream and she'd pursue it.

"That's great. So we're kind of like your first project, huh?" – Kate smiled, all proud, and Amy couldn't help but let out a quiet, involuntary laugh too.

"I guess you could say that." – she said.

"Hope we don't disappoint." - Raven cut in, having overheard most of their conversation.

"I highly doubt that. Reagan's told me so much about your band. I can't wait to hear you play. " – Amy said, and the girls all smiled. They were really warming up to the new girl and she seemed to be enjoying their company as well. Karma was still on her mind, but she was doing everything in her power not to think about her – but not really succeeding. Still - no one said it was going to be easy. Baby steps.

"You will soon enough, once we get to our first gig." – Kate said, and Amy smiled back, as a pleasant silence kicked in, only the sound of the engine and the girl's occasional banter filling the atmosphere.

It was nice to connect with them – and so were the first few shows, as Amy came to realize in the following days. Actually, they were more than just nice - they were amazing. She felt like a rock star by association and there was something glamorous and exciting about shooting a tour and being there for that musical experience firsthand. She wanted to capture that, but also the story behind each concert. She wanted to capture the essence of it all in each moving picture.

But it was nights like these, lying awake in the tour bus or the occasional hotel rooms they crashed at late at night when her mind drifted to Karma and she wondered how she was, if she missed her, if she resented her, if they could ever go back to who they were before this whole mess of broken hearts and lies and unspoken words, if they could ever fix what was broken inside of them both, if they could be enough to fix each other, if they could be enough for each other anymore.

It was nights like these she wished she never fell in love with her best friend in the first place .

If that never happened, she could have her best friend back and just watch Netflix and eat junk food and have it all easy. But then again – Karma made it complicated too, just when it started being relatively simple again - still not drama free but at least on a common, stable friendship ground. But that kiss - that kiss _changed_ everything again because _she_ initiated it.

On the list of things Amy desperately tried to brush aside and not think of, the kiss was probably number one. She still didn't understand why Karma did what she did. She didn't want to think of her lips and how they felt after so long, how being close to her like that felt like coming home to a place she thought no longer existed, how her touch sparked up that same fire inside of her that she wondered if she could ever drown.

Because, to Karma, it was just a kiss. A drunken mistake she wished she could take back. That was all there was to it and it was time she came to terms with that. But she remembered Karma's look vividly after kissing her, that quiet wonder and realization she recognized because it happened to her at one point too, and part of her couldn't let go of that.

Because she knew what she saw and what her best friend might've felt, even if Karma didn't. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. Maybe they'll never be in the same place. Maybe. Most likely. Certainly? - if only she could have certainty.

It was nights like these that she couldn't help but wonder, as she stared at the star-lit sky, if there was the slightest chance that Karma saw the same sight and her thoughts echoed her name too.

It was going to be a long summer – but one she desperately needed to heal and move on. If she didn't do it now, she knew she never will. So, she stared at Karma's picture on display once more before drifting off to sleep, hoping she'd erase that image from her mind consciously at least for enough time to get her peace and sleep. But this time, her sleep was dreamless and there was a void and an emptiness in her heart she knew no one else could fill the way Karma did.

But this wasn't the way. Not anymore. For the moment, it was time to leave her behind. It was going to be a long summer indeed.


	6. Chapter 6

Being apart from her best friend was something Karma never imagined she'd go through. They've always talked about being soul mates and spending the rest of their lives together – the only times they were forced to spend apart were when one of them was sick and that made sense. Even then, they still snuck into the other's room eventually, with the risk of catching a cold too. It didn't matter as long as they had each other.

Which was why the rest of that time was spent pretty much attached to the hip. They were almost too dependent on each other, they always have been. For those on the outside looking in, that relationship and that closeness seemed nearly unhealthy. Maybe it was, Karma came to realize, sadly, as she saw just how few non-Amy people she had in her life. For a while there, she didn't know who she was without her best friend.

Maybe Amy didn't either, at first. Maybe it was unhealthy and they both needed that space for good. Maybe they were just better off without each other - because lately all they knew how to do was cause each other unbearable pain.

She quickly silenced that nagging voice in her mind, even if the darkest part of her wanted to believe it – that still didn't make it true, any of it. No one but them could ever come close to understanding just how strong that bond was. They were best friends, family, they were always going to look out for each other. Or so it seemed before a drunken mistake messed it all up. _One that belongs to yours truly, of course._

Being apart from Amy was never part of Karma's plan for the two of them – and she was the planner, she had worked on it since she was a kid, she had a lifelong plan that couldn't fail - it was so clear and seemed so attainable no more than a year ago.

But then again, breaking her best friend's heart repeatedly and driving her away, causing her so much ache she compelled her to skip town because it seemed like the only viable option left to finally heal and move on – on her own, away from Karma's acts water boarding her heart again and again and again wasn't part of the plan either.

_That's all I seem to do lately. Hurt her._

At least it seemed like, after three months of silent self-reflection, Karma learned one or two things. Grew up. Realized. Understood. It was about time she did.

But understood what exactly? Just how much she hurt her best friend? She wished that wasn't her realization but, unfortunately, after not having Amy in her life for the first time – and for what seemed like an eternity even though there were only three months – Karma came to the conclusion that she could live without her, that she was a whole person outside of her best friend. She could do it. But she also realized that she didn't want to.

Not anymore. Ever. Not after all the days she's spent with nothing but regret as company and the thousand words saved in her phone that she still couldn't get herself to send to Amy. She was pretty sure the blonde didn't even care to hear her explanations, her reasoning. But even when she returned, Karma doubted she'd find the strength to tell her any of this, to tell her just how lonely and miserable her summer had really been.

She had to play it cool. It was so much easier to pretend. She sometimes wondered if she even knew how to find her true self once more. She couldn't even pinpoint the exact moment she lost it.

Despite Shane telling her that she should just swallow her pride and call Amy, she couldn't do it. She had tried repeatedly to just go for honesty, but she couldn't get herself to dial that all-too familiar number.

Aside from short texts that almost seemed just common courtesy if not anything else, such as how are you, where are you, how's the tour going? – she really couldn't bring herself to say anything else. And that alone said a lot about their friendship and just what became of it, how she allowed it to nearly crumble to dust.

They survived so much this past year – the confession, Amy and Liam sleeping together. She never thought a summer apart and a drunken kiss she still couldn't get herself to think about would be the end of it.

She knew it sounded overly dramatic, but it seemed like, with each passing day, she could feel the distance between them only growing, swallowing her whole in a shallow pit of regret, resentment, anger and crippling pain.

She tried to cover it up with convincing smiles, maybe even a touch of indifference some would chalk up to just focus on her summer job and plans for college – but those who knew her better would see beyond it. If Amy was there, she would too. She'd see that this was hurt Karma - doing anything and everything to get her mind off the source of that ache and sorrow she was drowning in. Not that it seemed to work. Not even in the slightest.

Because no matter what she did, Amy was constantly on her mind. Somewhere in the back of it, ever-present.

And if she could do something to at least distract herself or delude herself that she was in fact fine, even when she was breaking on the inside – what she had done for months – use denial as a shield and her job and music as consolation, somehow - tomorrow, she wouldn't be able to.

Because school was about to start. Because Amy would come back home. Back to Austin.

But not to her. It didn't seem that way. It couldn't.

She had messed up so much. She knew that now. She understood. But she still couldn't bring herself to let go of that anger, that grudge she held against Amy for leaving her behind. She had all the reasons in the world to do it but she shouldn't have.

She shouldn't have run away. But even in her sullen, depressed state, she knew how flawed that reasoning sounded even if she was not ready to admit it upfront yet. There was nothing she could have done for Amy. She needed to do this for herself. She had to deal with this on her own.

And part of Karma was killing her that it was the one thing she couldn't help her best friend with. And it was all because of her. It was an ache she caused and didn't know how to fix anymore. She didn't know how to fix her own ache, either.

It seemed like, the more she tried, the more damage she caused. She couldn't keep breaking Amy's heart over and over again. She deserved more. She always has.

She deserved anything but uncertainty and _"I can't"_ and drunken kisses and rejection after rejection. She deserved someone to hold her hand and tell her how beautiful she was, how lucky she was to have her in her life. She deserved someone to love and cherish her for everything that she was. And she had failed at that job time and time again. Maybe she just wasn't enough. Maybe she never will be.

She had let fear and Liam and her insecurities get in the way. She knew that now. But even after this time apart, she still wasn't strong enough to take a leap of faith, to just let herself feel. Not with the risk of getting hurt. As angry as she was, she knew one thing - nothing ever hurt her quite as much as Amy turning her back on her and walking away. She didn't want to get into the specifics – why no gesture of Liam's or anyone else's ever had the power to wreck her as much as Amy's absence did.

Amy deserved better. She knew that now. As she scrolled down the blonde's Facebook page and saw another picture of her best friend next to that all-too familiar, all-too present and a touch too friendly brunette, her hand wrapped around the blonde's waist protectively and her lips gently brushing across her cheek as Amy smiled - the first real smile she's seen in weeks on her face - she felt all the air leave her lungs once more.

Amy deserved better. And this time she might finally get it.


	7. Chapter 7

Restless. That's the only word to describe Karma's state of mind over the last few days, maybe even weeks. She didn't dare to say months, she couldn't - because if she did, she'd admit to a long array of things she desperately wanted to avoid thinking about or allow to break her again. But she hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in what felt like eternity. And tonight was no different. But she wasn't about to ask herself why she woke up in the middle of the night with an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach for three nights in a row.

It was 5 AM and she never remembered feeling quite as numb as she did then. She felt weaker and more miserable than she's ever remembered being.

People tried with her, they really did. Her parents did too, surprisingly. They comforted her the few instances she actually let them. She was thankful they didn't say too much, just held her. She was thankful because, for the first time they didn't spew all of that hippie, cosmic crap and just let her be. It seemed by their compassionate looks that they understood on some level.

But with each passing day, those looks almost seemed to be turning to pity. She hated it. She hated everyone looking at her like she was broken when she wasn't. She thought she made it painfully clear that she was okay, she was moving on. Liam picked up on it when she saw him a couple of weeks ago, but she brushed the incident aside and was silently thankful that he didn't press the issue any further.

Even Lauren – ice queen Lauren – sent her a look of quiet understanding when she sometimes came over just to be in Amy's room, to feel her there. The fact that she didn't say anything when she was sure she heard her sobbing quietly on Amy's bed from the other side was one of the few things she actually appreciated about Lauren.

But she was okay, she was healing. She's come a long way in those three months but she didn't want to think of the reasons that pushed her to be the person she was now. She went on with her life, she was going to be a lifeguard, she started writing music again – with Shane, of all people. Who knew he could sing? Certainly not her but she was glad to have him around.

Shane was about the only person not pissing her off too much by asking too many questions. He let her be which was surprising since he was usually all about the gossip. He even tried to avoid pushing the Amy subject which was more than she could say about pretty much everyone else.

But it was nights like these when she needed someone. Truly needed someone. To hold her. To drive away whatever anxiety was keeping her up at night. Someone like the best friend she feared she drove away for good. Her thoughts were a puzzle and her heart was a battlefield and this time she felt utterly powerless. Since it was already 5AM and it was so clear she wouldn't get anymore sleep, she decided to start getting ready, though she didn't know exactly what for – school or seeing Amy. Maybe it was both.

She got in the shower, thankful that she had the luxury of an indoor shower since she was back in her house now. All the money she made at her catering side job helped her parents back on their feet. It felt good. It was about the only good thing she had right about now. But the hot shower didn't help drown her tears this time.

She couldn't help it – she cried. It just seemed to come out of nowhere. She sobbed and whimpered quietly as if the entire weight of the world's been on her shoulders for far too long. And then she let go – she put on a tough, brave face and got ready for school. She was done moping around. And it wasn't this version of her that Amy would see. The same Amy that left her behind, sobbing on the sidewalk and begging her to stay.

If only she knew she'd spot that same Amy on the other side as she coincidentally crossed another sidewalk on her way to meet Shane - maybe she would have been more prepared. But she wasn't. Even so, a remote part of her had hoped that encounter would be anything but awkward and so very hurtful, but it unfortunately was. It was everything it shouldn't be. Everything she'd never imagine they could be.

She could recognize those blonde locks anywhere. She knew it was Amy even if her back was facing her. She saw the tour bus parked somewhere far ahead too but she was too busy holding her breath to care. She saw Amy carry around all of that heavy equipment and her luggage and under normal circumstances, she would have waved, told her to come over, she would have helped her, hugged her, told her how happy she was to see her. But this time, she couldn't say anything, she just stared, doing everything in her power to just urge her body to walk away. Amy did it once. She could do it too.

But then she saw Amy taking a few photos of the tour bus, practicing a few final shots before putting her camera back in her bag and moving closer. For the time being, she didn't see her and she didn't know if she was mad, sad or grateful. That's when her phone buzzed in her pocket with a message from none other than the best friend she was looking at from a far distance like she didn't even deserve to be around her anymore.

_I was hoping to see you, soon._

She clutched the phone in her hand so tightly she feared she'd break it. Her fingers were twitching on the keypad, just urging her to reply but she couldn't.

 _I'm right here. –_ is what she wanted to say. _I've always been here._

She was this close to sending it. What she didn't know was that, in between her extensive self-reflection, her best friend actually spotted her and was hesitantly making her way towards her, her movements a lot less fragile and more certain, everything about her pose and outer visage screaming change, improvement, self-assurance.

But there was so much concealed hurt under that seemingly tougher exterior than Karma would ever know. She didn't look like a lost puppy following Karma around everywhere, not anymore. She actually approached her like a long lost friend, an equal, instead of the girl who held her heart in the palm of her hand for the longest time.

"Karma." – she called out, the tone of her voice not nearly as neutral as she hoped it would sound.

And when Karma turned around and their eyes locked, she felt like all the air got knocked off her lungs on the spot.

She was beautiful.

Her hair was a darker shade of blonde, she wore dark eyeliner and even her clothes looked edgier. She was still Amy but she seemed so different somehow. Not wanting to appear weak for one second, Karma swallowed the knot in her throat and bravely held her gaze.

"Amy." – she voiced back, thankful that her voice didn't crack even though she thought it would. "You're back." – she added, stating the obvious.

_Staggering observation, Ashcroft._

"I'm back." – Amy repeated, barely balancing the bag on her shoulder. She could feel the awkwardness in the air and all the words she's left unspoken looming above her, but she tried to act normal, like nothing even happened and pretend she could ever succeed in doing that but deep down she knew she couldn't ignore it forever.

"How are you?" – she asked, and that's when Karma desperately wanted to come up with a rude comeback along the lines of _"How the hell do you think I am?"_ but as angry and resentful as she still was, she couldn't do it just yet. She figured indifference would hurt less, for both of them.

"I'm fine, just waiting on Shane to text me. He's giving me a ride to school." – she replied, nonchalantly, and Amy simply scrunched her eyebrows in confusion.

"You two are friends now?" – she asked, not meaning to sound as incredulous as she did.

"Yeah, we are." – Karma replied, a sort of edge taking over her voice. She never thought she and Amy would ever act like two strangers but it seemed like, the more this conversation went on, the more that fact became painfully clear – that's what they were now.

"That's...good. For you, I mean." – Amy said, appearing genuinely disinterested. Either she got good at faking it over the summer or she really didn't give a flying flip about her life anymore. Well, two could play that game.

"Yeah, it is." – she said, and that's when her phone buzzed in her pocket. She didn't even bother to check it, she just took advantage of the easy way out. "Listen, I uh.. I have to go now but I'll see you at school later, okay?" – she added, quickly, and this time her voice did crack towards the end and she cursed herself for it.

"Okay." – Amy said, not allowing a single crack to show in her façade but feeling her heart drop all the same. "It was um.. good to see you."

She couldn't help it. She had to say that because she meant it. She didn't notice Karma's teary eyes or the way she bit her lip because her back was turned towards her. If she did, she'd see just what her absence did to her best friend. But she didn't know any of that, she couldn't. Or maybe she had a clue but she decided to play dumb instead. Well, that same best friend wasn't going to show it to her. Any of it. She was too proud, too hurt, too tired, too resentful.

Too numb.

"Yeah. You too, Amy." – she whispered, before they parted ways.

And this time, even though Karma did the walking away part, it didn't make her feel any better. None of it did anymore.

_I was afraid I'd lose you._

_You can never lose me._

Turns out she was wrong. She was so terribly wrong.


	8. Chapter 8

Amy Raudenfeld always had an apathy towards socializing and people. She didn't hate them per say but most of the time she found social interactions pointless and exhausting. The day she returned to school, however, was the happy exception to her golden rule.

After the tour and all the praise on her talent that she received from her fellow students, she finally understood why Karma craved popularity – it wasn't as much about having your name be known as it was about being acknowledged as good enough or worthy– Leila and Lisbeth told her she should totally start a photography club, whilst Liam and Shane both greeted her excitedly and told her how amazing her work was.

That gave her a lot of faith in her dream, one that so far only Karma and her father supported. Even Lauren greeted her smugly _"Welcome back, Kelly Clarkson."_ with a hug and some tears in her eyes she'd never admit to having, probably just blaming that normal emotional response on that crappy new mascara she shouldn't have ever bought.

After a week or so, the whole buzz around her soon vanished, even if her cool tour videos were still a subject of discussion and her doing something so out of character this summer still boosted her cool factor significantly.

Her sister, however, was surprisingly still the hottest news topic on everyone's lips – her speech at the school protest really granted her unwanted popularity. Amy could relate – it did feel weird to suddenly be the center of attention. They did laugh about it in private, but Amy could tell her sister still struggled with self-acceptance, despite having the acceptance of her peers at school.

Although she tried not to, Amy did feel like sort of an outsider within her group of friends – Karma and Shane were friends now and it was an odd switch in their dynamic that she couldn't really adapt to. They had inside jokes, endless talks about music and lifeguard stuff, and always seemed to suddenly get more quiet when she'd join in at lunch. Karma made excuses to leave most of the time and she generally seemed to be avoiding her like the plague. Most of the time she spent was with Lauren, sometimes she called Felix or Reagan too. She even met up with Liam one or two times.

She couldn't lie – it hurt a lot, feeling so disconnected from her best friend. She couldn't blame her, but she also knew they needed to have a serious talk, no matter how hard it was. More than a week had passed and they didn't seem to be going anywhere – they still acted like strangers, not even long lost friends.

The threat of her grocery store nightmare still loomed high above her and she couldn't turn it off, no matter how hard she tried. That thought was ever-present in her mind and it was what drove her to Karma's house one Friday night on impulse. She needed to at least try to save what was left of their friendship. She's the one who left – it was only right that she'd walk that extra mile. Somehow, she had a feeling she'd regret doing this. But she knew she had to at least try.

Karma's mother let her in, hugging her close and telling her just how much she's missed having her over. Amy could tell by her teary eyes that she really did miss her, but there was something about Molly Ashcroft she couldn't quite piece together – whether it was resentment or not, she felt that the older woman was hiding something from her. She stored that in memory for later pondering. For now, she had to focus on the task at hand.

She softly climbed the stairs to Karma's room, took a deep breath and hesitated a few times, before finally getting a grip and knocking on Karma's door. She anxiously waited for it to open, not even attempting to deny that knot in her throat or her palms sweating. It all seemed so unnatural. Not more than a few months ago, she'd let herself in, plop herself down on her bed and not think twice. This used to be home, for both of them. Now she had no idea where to even place that notion.

A tired, surprised Karma opened the door, and as her eyes met Amy's, they became equally colder and more expressive, all at once, dozens of contrasting emotions dancing in those haunting green orbs. It was an odd mix, a look she never reserved for her before.

"Hi uh..should I have called or..?" – Amy stumbled across her words, taken aback by the way Karma was gazing at her. She was nervous but she stood her ground regardless. She knew she had to. "Can I come in?"

Karma shook her shoulders, feigning indifference. She bit her lip unconsciously and mumbled a low "Suit yourself.", before opening the door wider and allowing Amy to come in.

The blonde took a few steps inside, gazing at the room she's spent her whole childhood in, feeling more disconnected from it and all it stood for than ever before. The feeling sunk deep into the pit of her stomach and it broke her – but she wouldn't let it show. It wasn't just her hair color or her attitude that changed this summer, anyway.

"You've done some redecorating, huh?" – she said, then instantly cursed herself for the stupid attempt at making small talk. It wasn't the right place, or time. She never thought she'd be at a loss of words with Karma. They always had something to say to each other. Maybe the problem now was that they had too much to say to each other.

It was all to much – and the silence was deafening.

"Needed a change. Why are you here, Amy?" – Karma cut in, losing her patience, feeling the air around her get thicker and suddenly finding it harder and harder to breathe. She didn't want to think Amy could have that effect on her - she never wanted to let herself believe that. The blonde's head jerked towards her, now facing the same pools of green she's known her whole life, instead of the walls of her room. But now, she couldn't read her.

"Do I need a reason to be in my best friend's room?" – Amy replied, equally defensive. This conversation wasn't going well in the slightest. She shouldn't have said that. She knew it the moment the words left her mouth. Karma's low scowl only further confirmed that.

"I wanted to talk to you. I feel like we should." – Amy added, her voice turning softer, gentler. Karma almost allowed that fragility and vulnerability her best friend was exposing to break her own façade of indifference, but she still stood her ground and crossed her arms. Anger was still her go-to defense mechanism. It was easier, far easier to fake it than face the tangled web of lies she's been stuck in for so long or the chaos within her heart.

"Fine." – Karma said, running a hand through her hair. She tried to ignore the brief flash of hurt that appeared on Amy's face, she tried to pretend that it didn't do anything to her, that it didn't make her heart drop right then. After all, she's mastered the act of pretending.

"Okay.." – Amy exhaled heavily, taking a seat on her best friend's bed, silently hoping that she'd take the hint and sit down next to her.

She didn't. Or didn't want to. Amy didn't know which hurt more.

"Look, Karma..I know the way I left wasn't fair but I just wanted you to know that I never meant to—"- the blonde attempted to explain herself, but Karma wouldn't have any of it. Being in this very room with her best friend was torture enough already. She couldn't relive it – not now. She couldn't listen to her explanations, she couldn't gaze her way without feeling all the anger and pain she'd bottled up burst through. She was this close to losing it.

"Can we not do this now?" – Karma said, her voice coming out weaker than she intended. She had worked so hard to put herself together, she couldn't let Amy unravel her again. " _Please."_

Amy's heart broke a little right there. Because she knew Karma. This was her way of saying that she was done talking about it, all of it. Amy was ready for fits of anger, but indifference hurt so much more than anything else. Karma didn't want her around, she wasn't sure if they were even friends at this point. She knew it would've been wise to walk away right then and give her the time and space she obviously still needed.

She couldn't ignore that dark voice in her head telling her that she needed permanent time and space from her now.

But the fear of losing Karma for good made her act recklessly. And before she even knew it, her mouth opened and spewed all of the wrong things she didn't even know she wanted to say – all of the pent-up anger she's stored for so long too.

"So what, you can't even stand being in the same room as me now?" – Amy taunted, allowing the hurtful words – the voice of her inner fears and doubts – to pass her lips. It was a step too far. She had no right to.

Karma blinked a few times, not quite sure she heard her right, her gaze devoid of nearly all emotion but anger and resentment. Everything else was burried too deep now anyway. She moved closer, staring Amy down, her mouth set in a firm line.

"You know what? Maybe I can't." – she uttered lowly, angrily, feeling all the walls she's struggled to build around her rise to protect the fragile truth underneath – that she was broken, that she needed her best friend more than ever, that she had missed her more than she ever thought she would. But seeing her again was too hard. She thought she could cope with that but maybe she couldn't.

Amy took a deep breath to compose herself, swallowing that knot in her throat painfully, before sitting up and moving closer to Karma. They were both stubbornly sticking to their facades, appearing to be cold, unbreakable structures, but the only thing piercing through that strong exterior was each other's gazes. They were both unraveling each other and it hurt too much.

And after the weight of Karma's statement, all Amy could do was look down, feeling utterly defeated. She whispered a single sentence with painful finality. It felt like the end she never saw coming.

"So this is how you want it to be, huh?"

Her question was met with silence. A heavy, monumental silence that drowned all the sobs and words they both held in for too long.

"I understand." – Amy said, her voice cracking slightly. She didn't miss the way Karma's eyes watered. She was pretty sure hers did too. There was so much meaning hidden underneath those words, so much that was still left unsaid. For now, it was the best she could do.

She could've left without saying anything else. But once she found herself standing in the doorway, feeling Karma's gaze on her back – burning, questioning, hurting, she knew she couldn't give up just yet.

"But no matter what you think..I didn't do it to hurt you. I did it for you, for us. And for what it's worth, I really did miss you, Karma. Thought you should know that."

It took all the strength the auburn-haired girl had not to swallow her pride and just engulf Amy in a warm hug from behind, in spite of everything. She was mad, resentful and so very hurt but her body needed it like air – she needed to feel her there, to make sure she'd stay, to make sure they could still fix each other. But even if the physical distance between them was shorter, easier to close, the emotional one was there, it was vast, palpable and this time, they genuinely felt at a loss.

There was so much to say and yet nothing at all.

It took all the strength Karma possessed not to chase after her, say something, anything. Tell her how much she missed her too, how badly she's messed up and how she was at fault for what happened to their friendship too. But she couldn't – her body wouldn't react, at all. And she had tried chasing after Amy once - it didn't work.

_What would I ever do without you?_

_Lucky for you we never have to find out._

She left anyway. She couldn't get her to stay.

Maybe she just didn't matter enough.


	9. Chapter 9

If anyone would have told Amy Raudenfeld how her first year of high school would turn out to be, how much of a mess she'd get herself in that day on the roof when she decided to go along with yet another one of Karma's ridiculous plans, she would have maybe reconsidered. Maybe. Or maybe not.

She knew that she'd do just about everything for her (now) former best friend. But there's so much she wished she could have changed about that moment and everything that followed it. Because she never imagined she'd actually lose her best friend for good. It was one of her worst nightmares and now it's her reality.

She went around telling Felix – her only confidant now that Shane was torn – that she and Karma were no longer friends and that it wasn't a big deal. He didn't believe her – shocker. She wasn't quite sure she even believed herself. She went around trying to make amends with Karma and get her to forgive her even though she wasn't the only one who should be asking for forgiveness or be resentful here. Again and again and again. And the answer was clear as day every single time.

_She's trying to make me the villain._

_If you wanted everything to stay the same, well maybe you shouldn't have left._

There was no way of reconciliation anymore. And it was time she came to terms with that. She told Liam of all people that she was over Karma, without knowing he did the same during that same day – and to her face, just to give another low blow to the auburn haired girl's fragile ego.

But Amy didn't say it out of spite, she truly felt exhausted and completely over Karma's drama, along with her trying to turn everything around and hold Amy's decision to leave against her for days and days. Amy was done trying to justify herself. She told Lauren just how much she wanted to end that stupid fight, but she didn't want to beg either. She didn't want to go back to following Karma around like a lost puppy. If that was the way she wanted it to be, that was fine by her. It was what she kept telling herself.

But apparently, not even her sister believed her. The same sister who accused her of going back down Karma's rabbit hole because she's been trying to get her friend back –on the camping trip, when she returned to Hester. That same sister might move out because what's left for her in that house?

Amy's cheating mother and the sister that left her too for the summer? Maybe she felt like she deserved more, maybe she was tired of the drama – Amy couldn't hold it against her. She knew it better than anyone – sometimes you just had to get away. It didn't mean that she wasn't so incredibly hurt and torn about it.

Apparently everyone around her was done with everything. Old Amy would have made a bigger deal out of this but she was done moping around, or at least seemed so on the exterior. This summer didn't only make her more confident in her sexuality – it was the first time she actually stopped being overly rational and just lived for the moment – and her series of flings over the summer proved just that, but it also made her bolder, more independent.

She was her own person now and she desperately tried to silence that nagging voice in her head telling her that, whoever she was and wherever she was, she and Karma were always better  _together_. That all this time apart actually showed them how much they needed each other. But she couldn't allow herself to think that way anymore.

Which was why she found herself kissing another girl – Harper - at the Halloween party. Not how she'd imagined her night would go but she couldn't complain. Old Amy would have maybe not even come to that party, instead choosing the company of Netflix and old documentaries. But this Amy was less apologetic, less awkward, more sociable, more aware.

And apparently, the Amelia Earhart costume worked like a charm. Granted, the only reason she kissed the girl was because some guy wouldn't stop harassing her so Amy did her a favor, but it turned out, there was more where that had come from. The girl was cute, bisexual, fun and into her. She didn't want anything serious and neither did Amy, for now. It was a win-win situation and she'd be damned if she passed it up. Not this time around.

What she failed to notice, while she not so subtly checked out Harper from behind as she went to the punch bowl was Karma walking in when they kissed, her gaze fixated on the two of them, her heartbroken expression clear as day, her look flickering from stunned to unbelievably angry and then disgusted, all in a matter of seconds.

What Amy failed to notice was the amount of concealed hurt underneath, when Karma approached her and finally made an effort to say a few words to her after days of radio silence. In true Karma fashion, she lashed out once more, like she didn't know how inappropriate and completely out of line that was.

But on some level, she did know – she only realized it too late, after her mouth began spewing all of the wrong things for the hundredth time. Or maybe she just wanted to hurt Amy like she hurt her. She didn't know anything anymore and frankly didn't even care.

"So, you've been busy lately. Who's that, lady number 50?" – the auburn-haired girl scoffed lowly, and it didn't take a genius to figure out that she clearly had some. Shane must've either spiked the punch or sneaked some alcohol in. Regardless, drunk Karma was even more of a drama queen than usual and Amy was anything but in the mood for that.

"That's none of your business." – she replied, just as fiercely, crossing her arms, her eyes still fixated on Harper's back, trying her best not to make eye contact with Karma. She didn't need this, not tonight.

"Classy." – Karma mumbled under her breath and that was Amy's cue to give her a piece of her mind. She was done being quiet about it.

"Said the girl who wanted to have two threesomes." – the blonde laughed mockingly, and Karma shot her a menacing glare but still held her ground and her emotions in check. For now.

"Slut-shaming. Classy again." – Karma taunted, seemingly unfazed and indifferent again. She was clearly enjoying pushing Amy's buttons. Maybe she was just drunk. Or resentful. Or heartbroken. Who the hell knew anymore.

"I think you should leave." – Amy warned, calmly, though she felt a thunderstorm raging in her heart. She knew Karma must've been seriously messed up to get drunk again. She didn't want to think that their fight was causing any of this.

Karma's been giving her nothing but sass and shade and hurtful remarks since she returned. She didn't want to think of the girl she's known her entire life, the girl she knew always used anger as a defense mechanism. This was hurt Karma. This was Karma trying to cope while simultaneously avoiding to cope with the real issues turning her into the worst version of herself.

"Because that's your solution to everything, right? The walking away part." – Karma interrupted her again, her anger no longer concealed. Maybe it was the alcohol lowering her defenses, maybe it was something else. But this time she couldn't stop the subtle hint of hurt from slipping into her voice.

"Don't." – Amy warned again, her voice lowering. Karma scoffed once again, clearly not intending to stop anytime soon. "Don't do this now. Not here."

"Why, I'm scaring away your new girlfriend?" – she crossed her arms and laughed, and that was all that was needed  - Amy couldn't take it anymore.

She snapped, forcefully grabbing Karma's arm and forcing her not to break eye contact. Momentarily stunned, Karma gasped then tried to pull away. She almost looked scared, aware, like she sobered up right there. But it didn't last long. She yanked her arm away and shook her head, trying to downplay just how much Amy's gesture affected her. They've come to this. It  _was_  real. It  _was_  happening. And neither of them were sure it would stop anytime soon.

"You're making a scene." – Amy said. "If you have something to say to me, say it. But you need to stop with all of this passive-aggressive crap."

Karma bit her lip hard, her hands balling into fists by her sides. She was still angry as fuck but even she knew when it was time to back away. It wasn't worth it. She couldn't turn off that small voice inside her head telling her thatit was in fact _Amy_  who wasn't worth it.

"Actually.." – she whispered, eventually, her voice dropping. "I'm done talking."

And with that, Karma walked away, the painful finality of her words still ringing in the air long after she left, long after Harper tried to get Amy to dance again. But she wasn't in the mood anymore, she was shaking with rage and struggling to keep herself in check. Harper asked her if she wanted to talk and she was taken aback by just how nice this girl was being to her.

Story of her life – she couldn't completely focus on a new relationship or attempt to form one without Karma forcing herself in between that one way or the other. So, after some pondering, she decided to screw it for the night. Not this time - she won't get sucked into that drama again. She had fun for the rest of the night and tried to erase her conversation with Karma from her mind, but she knew she was failing even if she desperately tried not to.

What she didn't know was that, no more than a few blocks away from the party, her former best friend was getting a tattoo as an act of rebellion and defiance, tears streaming down her pale face and her eyes no longer empty and devoid of emotion – a look she wouldn't let Amy see. Not anymore.


End file.
